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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

How to rid your home of unwanted SGI guests

And now, with summer closing in, all those senior leaders have their beady eyes trained on you, an easy mark for the May Contribution Campaign. Your house is prime territory for a home visit. When they come sniffing around, keep ‘em moving with the critter proofing methods on this page. A lot of it comes down to nothing more than a statue of Shakyamuni Buddha or Nichiren Daishonin in front of the Gohonzon.

Who are the infiltrators? According to the Lotus Sutra and Nichiren Daishonin: They are those who claim to have attained what they have not; those whose ego is so big that think themselves wise enough to instruct Nichiren and his disciples; those conceited men and women who think that somehow, without their guidance, the Daimoku and Gohonzon is insufficient for you to attain Buddhahood; those looking to increase their Chapter’s or Area’s numbers; those looking to climb up the ladder to Chapter Chief, Area, or Territory Leader.

It is usually not necessary to call professionals to remove them but, of course, it’s always easier to keep them out in the first place than to remove them when they’re in. Either way, it helps to know your enemy.

Those who claim to have attained what they have not:

Sometimes they crawl down chimneys or gnaw and claw their way through your front door. Threat: They weaken rather than strengthen your faith. As with most SGI intruders they can best be kept at bay with a strong association with your Kempon Hokke friends or by blocking possible pathways into the house. If you fail to remove them, in the case of these slanderers, they may require either professional removal [very large mean housemember] or calling 911.

Those whose ego is so big that think themselves wise enough to instruct Nichiren and his disciples:

People think these senior leaders are smart, but what they are is tenacious, says Tientai, a home visit control specialist in Canton China, and a spokesman for the disciples and believer's of Nichiren Daishonin. “These Gakkai leaders with big egos are capable of climbing a downspout and pulling loose a soffit or ripping off a roof shingle to get inside”, he says. WD Leaders are liable to use your messy house or intimate guidance sessions as an excuse to laud themselves over you. Those who think themselves wise enough to instruct Nichiren are bad enough in the living room but never show them your den. They might get comfortable and stay for another hour or two. Never feed them or offer them tea or coffee. You can fend off these nuisances by getting a protective Pit Bull or Rotty. Try also, not to have just finished cooking a tasty meal or have delicious dainties lying about. The bad thing about these unwanted guests, usually they are so into themselves that they don’t really care what you are doing, your needs, or exigencies. You can prearrange a friend to call fifteen minutes after these pests arrive and tell them you have an emergency. Alternatively, you can chant Namu Myoho renge kyo while they are leading Daimoku and chanting Nam Myoho renge kyo. Remember, these Ikedabots don’t play nice when cornered or trapped.

Those conceited men and women who think that somehow, without their guidance, the Daimoku and Gohonzon is insufficient for you to attain Buddhahood:

These severely deluded Soka men and women can talk your ear off, are quite charming, and are inveterate liars. They always have some experience about Sensei, how they overcame mesothelioma or premature ejaculation by seeking and following Sensei. Prevention is the best policy in the case of these arrogant borderline psychotic individuals. A heavy metal door with seven or eight Yale locks works quite well. Lights out and being very quiet is another good strategy. If they succeed in getting you to open up the door, you can prepare yourselves nicely with ear plugs or miniature radio receivers so you can listen to your favorite program while they drone on about Sensei, more Sensei, Rock the Era, or the importance of statistics to Buddhist practice. If you don’t have ear plugs or a miniature radio receiver, then your only course may be to have read the Lotus Sutra several times and the Five Major Works over and over again. Prepare yourself however, for the obligatory, “Sharihotsu” or “you lack faith” comment. Short of threatening them with a Samurai sword or an AR15 rifle, you may not be able to cut off THAT conversation and feeling oh so small. If you are chanting a lot of Daimoku you can intuit when the conversation is about to turn to slander of you as a person, and you can suddenly claim to have the worst migraine of your life. But, just as those senior leaders who think themselves wise enough to instruct Nichiren, these leaders who think that their guidance is more important than Shakyamuni’s and Nichiren’s, are quite tenacious. Blood capsules may be carefully and stealtfully utilized by pinching them against the skin of the upper lip, just below the nostril. A “nosebleed” always has a big impact, even on the most thoughtless Gakkai leader.

The nastier ones, those who have been going to non stop meetings and home visitations for the last several weeks may, due to lack of daily showering and good personal hygiene, bring in fleas, lice, or ticks. Once you succeed in getting them to go home, be sure to have some extra strength Raid and air freshener on hand.

The last two unwanted guests may be lumped together: Those looking to increase their Chapter’s Area’s, or Territory’s numbers and those looking to climb up the ladder to Chapter, Area, or Territory Leader:

These shallow leaders aren’t really into home visits. Almost any excuse, immediately after Gongyo will do. However, if they bring a junior leader along, they may feel constrained to make a show of caring and compassion. If you don’t mind touching them, you can gently grab the arm of the junior leader and briskly walk him to the door. Since he has no way of getting home without his senior, usually the senior will follow. Other senior leader removal techniques are Taiko drum beats to the Daimoku or even clackers. Having a copy of a Nichiren inscribed Gohonzon too, is often quite effective. Installing steel window screens may be necessary.

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