Is it my fault that SGI members are too stupid to comprehend satire?

Minutes of the SGI Top Salaried Senior Leader New Year's Board Meeting 

Board Members, sitting around a large brass table with marble legs: 

Present: Daisaku Ikeda, Hiromasa Ikeda, Minoru Hirada, Itchy Wada, Nobutaka Kumagai, Koji Shinohara, Toshinori Iwazumi, Archibald E. Asawa 

Quorum present? Yes 

Others Present: 

Exec. USA Director: Danny Nagashima, Chang Dong Huang, Arnold Kawasaki 

Proceedings: 

· Meeting called to order at 7:00 p.m. by Chair, Hiromasa Ikeda 

· (Last month's) meeting minutes were amended and approved 

· Chief Executive's Report: "It was recommend by our wonderful and compassionate mentor for life, our dear President Ikeda that if we are not able to find an increase in revenues by 15% this year, some drastic changes will be made and neither you nor the members will be happy. This is the guidance given to me by Sensei. He also taught me the meaning of total victory. Then regarding our plans for Kyushu and East Asia... 

Daisaku Ikeda interupts:"If you can't get a across a moat ten feet wide, how the hell are you going to earn the huge bonuses that my son promised you for 2010?' 

Chief Executive: "That right, just yester......" 

Daisaku Ikeda again interrupts: "We just spent seventy five million refurbishing the Headquarters and International Culture building as well as your offices. Who do you think is going to pay for it, me and Hiromasu? Right, your members. Banging on the brass and marble table, "If you can't lift this table, you weaklings, I will find someone who can, right Hiromasu? 

Hiromasu Ikeda: "Yes father" 

Chief Executive: "Lets hear a report about Soka University of America from Arnold Kawasaki." 

Arnold Kawasaki: "We are doing tremendously, total, absolute, complete, victory. We have increased our enrollment by 75% from 474 to 927 students and we only lost 96 million dollars last year but our holdings and endowment from SGI North and South American members donations increased by 430% and the university and its land holdings is now worth an estimated 1.34 billion dollars up from one billion dollars.' 

Daisaku Ikeda interupts, again banging on the desk while shouting in English "GRRREEAAT GRRREEAAT": "Arnold is a model for all of you and he's only 55 years old, practically a youth division member." 

Arnold: "HAI. We are also working very hard creating the illusion that we are non-denominational with the ex Mayor of Los Angeles Tom Bradley, now on our board of directors along with Rick Warren . Sensei is the most wonderful Sensei in the whole entire world." 

Daisaku Ikeda: "Rick Wallen? Who is he?"

Arnold Kawasaki: "He is gleat leader of the evangelical Christian movement in America. He is great fundraiser and is looked upon by millions of Christians as a model of faith. We got him cheap, for $1,800,000.00 ." 

Everyone: "Ah So!!! Excellent, Excellent", as their long broad tongues reached up to the heaven of Aizen Myo, the SGI patron saint of money laundering. 

Itchy Wada: "Sensei has organized a fantastic week for us at our nature and culture center in Palau, don't bring your wives, if you know what I mean but you have to show Sensei the deepest consideration and work very hard to increase our revenues, what do you say?" 

Everyone in unison, "HAI, HAI, Thank You Sensei, HAI HAI" 

Daisaku Ikeda: 'As you all know, my health hasn't been up to snuff lately, so Hiramasu will be taking over many of my responsibilities, particularly dolling out the cash and traveling here and there to pick up my awards. You must support and protect him". Seeing Danny Nagashima sleeping from jet lag, Ikeda shouts, "RIGHT DANNY BOY" as Danny snaps to attention. 

Daisaku Ikeda: Danny, please tell us how the Rock the Era for Sensei movement is progressing. Without a new influx of brainwas... uh, uhh, highly motivated youth, how are we going to increase revenues by 15%?" 

Danny Nagashima, again half asleep: "Lock the Elah is going GLATE,", clearing his throat and again snapping to attention, ROCK THE ERA IS GOING GREAT. We got this Clown, Philip Brett going to sing his famous song Seeds for Sensei [actually named You Are All That You Need but he couldn't tell that to Sensei] and Vanissa Shaw is looking hot!" 

Everyone nods in agreement. 

Danny Nagashima: "But I don't know about that weasal Nathan Gauer, Danny Hall and especially Ian MCailraith. Danny and Ian are complainingg about their $50,000 bonuses and Nathan is wondering when he will become salaried. I don't know if they are completely on board?" 

Daisaku Ikeda red in the face and shouting, "MAHALLLOOO, MAHHHAAALLLOOOOO" [Fools, Fools] 

Hiramosu Ikeda: "Take it easy father, you know your pressure and heart..." 

Daisaku Ikeda: "SHUT UP, you think Nichiren Daishonin worried about his blood pressure and heart, you are all Mahaloo, except for Arnold over here, come Arnold, lets go out for Soba noodles and leave these fools here to deeply reflect on the next Zaimu Campaign. You got that secretary, I want this a part of the minutes, don't miss a word, no one is going to see them anyway but I like to review them before the next meeting." Ikeda walks out with Arnold... 

Other Topics [Led by Mr Hirada]: "Sasaki asserts that our organization must ensure its name is associated with the Victory Over Violence, most people make absolutely no connection. Too many gaijin have their hands in the pot. Wherever you have such an exhibit make sure Sensei's posters are prominently displayed. Also Simon Weisanthal is giving us a hard time. You Archie (Asawa) bring him another million, you know how greedy they are those green eyed devils." 

'The Nichiren Shoshu, especially Nichimyo is also starting trouble. He changed their doctrine, declaring that their members are indeed Bodhisattvas of the Earth, rather than followers of the Bodhisattvas of the Earth. See if you can throw a monkey wrench into their plans Kumagai, money is no object. We already lost six senior leaders in Taiwan, three in the Phillipines, and one in the United States thanks to their machinations." 

"On the Gohonzon question, we have just got to get a Nichiren inscribed Gohonzon. That heretic Tsuchiya over there in Kyoto has the members all up in arms about the lousy Nichikan Gohonzon. Trouble is, he is uncorruptable. What do you think? Should we crush Tsuchiya like a bug or should we start to phase out the Nichikan Gohonzon. I think, even the pioneers would prefer a Nichiren Gohonzon, there are tons of them on the net. We don't even need one of our own. How that bug Tsuchiya and his shitty little sect held on to three of them [Nichiren Gohonzon] I can't understand for the life of me. We offered their chief priest forty eight million dollars for one. Don't get me started." 

"The organization should generate revenues where possible from the bosses books and thanks to Lavorra Perry creating those cartoons for Sensei, we have a giant stream of revenue. I think we should make her a Zone Chief. Linda Johnson is becoming quite a liability. We should express our sympathy and support for her outwardly because she could make some problems for us. Lets keep her busy with our legal matters and ask Matilda Buck to give the gaijin our guidances." 

"Shinohara explained that consultant, Wacky Nobu, reviewed the organization's accounting procedures and found them to be satisfactory, in preparation for the upcoming yearly financial audit. One book for the Japanese, one book for the Americans, and the real book for Sensei. Nobu recommends that we ensure the auditor provides a management letter along with the audit financial report and of course we will need three originals." 

"Shinohara also reviewed highlights, trends and issues from the balance sheet, income statement and cash flow statement. Issues include that high accounts receivables require Finance Committee attention to policies and procedures to ensure our organization receives more donations on time. After brief discussion of the issues and suggestions about how to ensure receiving the donations on time MOTION to accept financial statements; seconded and passed." 

'Shinohara also presented members with a draft of the reworded By-laws paragraph that would mandate members conduct actions only face to face so neither a paper nor electronic trail is ever maintained. He suggested review and a resolution to change the By-laws accordingly. Iwazumi suggested we immediately notify each and every Zone Chief of these proposals before the next Board meeting.' 

Hirada Interrupts: "We must also cut the legal and accounting costs by 10%, at least by sixty seven million dollars and our TV and advertising expenditures are to rise by forty eight million dollars, according to Sensei. We must make this happen. Total victory for Sensei!" 

Hiromasu Ikeda: "Total Victory for Sensei! Thank you Mr Hirada, I motion to close the meeting." 

Seconded unanimously. 

Meeting adjourned at 9:30 p.m. 

Minutes submitted by Secretary, Ikegami