My mother would literally force me to share my experiences showing my victories in life as a result of my prayers and being a part of SGI. I was a good student, with lots of extracurricular achievements, and my mother would make me write those down, and add pretentious quotes from the Gosho or from Sensei's guidance, and then I would share it in discussion meetings.
I was literally brainwashed by her into believing that all my achievements were BECAUSE I was a member of BSG(Bharat Soka Gakkai - India), and not because I had some talent of my own. My mother often repeated that without this practice I'll be a loser, and no parent wants a loser as a kid right? It took me a long time to realise that literally none of my achievements have anything to do with my prayers. I cringe whenever I come across one of my old, heavily-edited writings praising Sensei for ensuring my victory.
And the censorship, oh god. My mother and the FD leaders would heavily edit the experiences to glorify the organisation. I think some of my testimonials were probably entirely made-up.
My mother profited a lot from MY talent. She would give away my artworks for exhibitions without asking me, she got to brag about my achievements in her testimonials, as a proof of the power of her practice, and used me to maintain her image of the perfect district level leader. That's fucked up on so many levels. I was constantly pressured to be perfect, from the way I sat during prayers to the way I spoke during a discussion meeting. She would slap me if I slouched while sitting on my knees and praying. She would slap me if I pronounced something wrong while sharing my story during the meeting. And I'm starting to see the psychological effect of that abuse NOW.
The worst thing is that now my mother has turned her attention towards my younger sister, so that she can turn her into the perfect little fortune child to brag about at meetings. This is the only place where I can vent my feelings, because when I once told my mother I don't want to continue practicing, well, she slapped me.
Right there with you.
At 46, it’s taken me a long time to realize that good AND bad things will happen if I chant or not. I was SGI from age 5-26 and really only took down the butsudan 3 years ago. This org had done more harm than anything for me and my mental health. I learned a very telling lesson back in 2004.
Right after I turned 30, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. When I told my mother, a die-hard “Buddha”, and I immediately started medication, she told me that she was chanting that “in a year, I would be off of it.” Later that year, when I went to visit her out-of-town, I realized through talking to her friends (fellow members) that she HAD NOT TOLD ANYONE ABOUT MY DIAGNOSIS. It was a secret! That’s when I truly realized that SGI, this Buddhism, is all about appearances—not love. Not truth. Not connection. “Earthly desires equals enlightenment” is as hollow and shallow as it sounds.
I am still working on my deprogramming, but it is much, much better now than maybe 5 years ago. As someone who knows exactly how you feel, I can tell you that it’s helped me to focus on what I can control, on my individuality, and let go. Knowing you can feel good and become better without being tethered to the org or the mandala is the best feeling. Also, go and talk to a professional. You’ll begin to see how you were trained to begin with and start to undo those emotional knots that your mother tried to quickly tie and forget about.
Good luck.
That’s when I truly realized that SGI, this Buddhism, is all about appearances—not love. Not truth. Not connection. “Earthly desires equals enlightenment” is as hollow and shallow as it sounds.
Exactly! Not an ounce of honesty in this organisation.
Also, go and talk to a professional. You’ll begin to see how you were trained to begin with and start to undo those emotional knots that your mother tried to quickly tie and forget about.
Yes, I've started seeing a therapist pretty recently. My parents were livid, and they keep hiding from everyone that my mental health isn't good and I'm seeking professional help. They don't even realise they are responsible for it in the first place. facepalms
Good luck.
Thanks a lot!
If either of you ever need to talk, PM me.
I was member from age 5 to 55, up till this year.
My mother is still a fanatic.
SGI, this Buddhism, is all about appearances—not love. Not truth. Not connection. “Earthly desires equals enlightenment” is as hollow and shallow as it sounds.
You got THAT right.
How is your condition?
I’m doing fine. Following science and logic—you know, taking my meds and staying fit. Of course, now my mother flaunts it as “power of fortune” type stuff to her org buddies. I still love her—she’s my Mom—but those hooks are in there so deep, you know?
Glad to hear it. Since the culties are just gonna cult anyway, might as well let 'em, right?
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom was the same way with me when I was younger. I remember my mom being obsessed with SGI. She had time for nothing else. Whenever I would come to her with a problem, she would tell me to stop being so weak, and to chant about it. I felt all alone in the world, and felt like no one cared about me. I was also an over achiever in school, and was 1st chair in the school orchestra and got straight A's all through school. But, none of that mattered because I was deeply sad, and wanted the love and support of my mom, which I never got because she was too obsessed with SGI activities. Anyways, I was a very troubled teenager. Eventually, at 16yrs old, I quit going to school because of severe depression, and got into using meth really bad. Becoming a full blown addict by the time I was 18yrs old. Im not knocking chanting, or the religion itself. Because Ive seen, and I beleive in the power of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. But, the organization of SGI is an absolute fucking CULT, that robbed me of a mother because she poured all of her energy and time into it, rather than being there for her daughter. I still chant but, I really havent been to any meetings since my mom has passed away 2yrs ago. She used to force me to go to meetings and I hated them! Okay, now Im rambling.... I just wanted to let you know that there are other people that know how you feel.
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