Experience 38 years in the Soka Gakkai in five parts -- Part 4: Trying to reboot my faith

Part 4 Experience 38 years in the Soka Gakkai in five parts -- Part 4: Demanding, selfish, rude members

Over the next few years, my mother was my absolute priority and I expected the members to understand this. Nevertheless, in 2013 I was approached again by SGI, this time with a view to becoming a district leader. I found myself agreeing to this as I felt it was something I could manage as most of the meetings would not involve travelling but would be hosted in my own home. My co-leader was unable to contribute very much to the running of the district as he had a very demanding job. I accepted this without complaint and took charge of the district more or less single-handedly. I even went so far as to convert what had been the dining-room into a butsuma (Gohonzon room)!

Around the time that I assumed the responsibility of district leader, I started working again. I had been unable to work for about 10 years on account of my medical circumstances. In the autumn of 2013, I revived my writing, editing and proofreading business and found that, although it was difficult at first to find clients, on the plus side, the working methods associated with my profession had improved dramatically during the time I had not been working due to advances in technology. Functions such as ‘Track Changes’ on Word simplified the process of working with texts. That, combined with the fact that entire books could be sent to me by email, meant that I could edit something in its entirety without printing out a single piece of paper. When I'd given up working in 2003, one of the main reasons was that, when I was working on a book, I could no longer pick up the two sets of proofs that would be sent to me to compare because they were so heavy.

As well as being a district leader and working during this period, I was also nearing the end of a humanities degree that I had started whilst still in London, with Creative Writing and Music majors. This represented the fulfillment of a long-held desire. I did not complete my first stint at university (almost 40 years previously) due to having made the decision to give it up after two years due to deterioration in my mental health. This proved to be a source of bitter regret for many years to come. My mother was so happy that I was finally fulfilling myself creatively and academically and I’m so glad that she remained alive long enough to know that I was finally going to get a degree. She was also able to listen to music I had composed using Sibelius software on my laptop, which pleased her even more.

After my beloved mother died in May 2014, I continued to live in the northeast in what had been the family home for about 40 years. By this time I realized that I was completely settled here and happy with the life I had created for myself. Taking care of my health continued to be a major factor but it was somehow easier in a more relaxed and cleaner environment compared to the frantic pace and dirt of London. I continued in my role as district leader but found, over time, that I was feeling frequently stressed by it and also bored. I had started going to symphony concerts on a regular basis and had made friends with a few people who had nothing to do with SGI. I had to admit to myself that I found the non-SGI aspects of my life far more satisfying than the SGI ones. In fact, I started to resent the organization with its constant demands on my time and energy, combined with the fact that some of the people I had to deal with were demanding, selfish and, at times, rude.

I felt reluctant for a long time to consider leaving the SGI because it had been part of my life for such a long time. However, towards the end of 2016, I started to feel trapped in my role within the org. I dreaded all the meetings and to begrudge the time and effort spent on all the administrative tasks associated with the responsibility. Worse still, I cringed when people sought me out to give them ‘guidance’. In order not to feel completely stifled by the SGI, I decided that I needed to bring something else new and exciting into my life and that was when I decided to start learning Italian. This proved to be one of the best decisions I could have made because, not only did it give me the chance to pursue something that I love, it also led me to meeting some amazing people. I have now been studying Italian for almost two years.

By 2017, I started to feel that my days within the SGI were finally numbered. Nevertheless, I still found myself resisting making the decision to leave as the idea of such a monumental change after almost 38 years unsettled me. What if I fell apart without chanting? What if I fell into a black hole of depression, as I had when as a teenager I had given up Christianity? Instead of confronting these fears head-on at that moment, I decided instead to try to reboot my faith by going on a leaders’ training course at the SGI-UK centre that was due to take place last April. I hadn’t been to Taplow Court for quite some time and was shocked to find that I just didn’t feel comfortable there at all. It felt alien.