Diogenes and the Prostitute

 

DIOGENES and the PROSTITUTE

© Cary Cook 1997

CAST:     DIOGENES: man, 35 - 50, thin

  PROSTITUTE: woman, 20 - 30, moderately attractive

SET:       Athens c.350 BCE.  Prostitute's bedroom

[DIOGENES and PROSTITUTE enter her living quarters.]

PROSTITUTE

Excuse the mess.  I would have cleaned up, but I didn't feel like it.

DIOGENES

Thank you for not telling me the maid got sick.

PROSTITUTE

Would you like some water?

DIOGENES

Is that all you got?

PROSTITUTE

For three drachmas, yes.

DIOGENES

Three!?  You said two if I bathed.

PROSTITUTE

Did you bathe?

DIOGENES

Well if you can't tell, what do you care?

[SHE leans over to sniff him.]

[HE raises an arm and blows the vapors of his armpit into her face.]

DIOGENES

There.  Two drachmas, okay?

PROSTITUTE

Okay.

[HE hands her two coins.]

DIOGENES

Drachma isn't worth shit any more anyway.  Feel how light these are.

[SHE hefts them and shrugs.]

DIOGENES

Okay, they feel the same, but put them on a scale against Solon's drachmas and they float like pond scum.

[SHE puts the money in a jar by the bed .]

PROSTITUTE

Long as they pay the bills.

[SHE returns to Diogenes and gets into physical romantic mode.]

PROSTITUTE

So much for business.  Let's get down to business.

DIOGENES

Uhh...  I was thinking we might do something different today, something special.

PROSTITUTE

[romantic mode]  Okay.  I can do special.
[business mode]  We're talking two drachma special now, aren't we?

DIOGENES

Actually I was thinking we might just talk.

PROSTITUTE

Talk?  You paid me two drachmas to talk?

DIOGENES

Yeah.

PROSTITUTE

[romantic mode]  Wow Di, that's really flattering.
[business mode]  For how long?

DIOGENES

Till I get off.

PROSTITUTE

Forget it.

DIOGENES

[goes to the window & looks out]  Until the shadow of the statue reaches the bottom of the window.

PROSTITUTE

[goes to the window & looks out]  Which window?

DIOGENES

That one.

PROSTITUTE

[pause]  What if the shadow misses the window?

DIOGENES

Oh, come on!

PROSTITUTE

Hey, I know you, remember?

DIOGENES

Okay, then whenever it reaches the same height on the wall.

PROSTITUTE

Fine.  It's your money.

DIOGENES

And not just talk.  I can get that anywhere.  I'm paying for honesty.

PROSTITUTE

No man wants honesty.

DIOGENES

No man except Diogenes.

PROSTITUTE

Okay.  [SHE sits on the bed pulling him down with her.]  Well then, let's talk.

[SHE lies down and pats the bed inviting him to lie beside her.]

DIOGENES

[pause]  You know, actually I kinda think better sitting up.

PROSTITUTE

Oh.  Okay.  Well, where do you want me?

DIOGENES

Any… talking position will be fine.

[SHE rests her chin on her hand propped up at the elbow.]

DIOGENES

[pause]  Shit, now I can't think of anything.

PROSTITUTE

Don't you worry.  Happens to everybody.  [pause]  So how come the great Diogenes has to pay for honest conversation?  I thought people paid you for that.

DIOGENES

They do.  But only as much as they can handle.  If I give 'em to much, they don't come back.

PROSTITUTE

So don't give them more than they want.

DIOGENES

I try not to, darling.  But the problem is, I've got a lot more to talk about than what they can handle.

PROSTITUTE

And you think I can handle it?

DIOGENES

Probably not, but it's worth two drachmas to find out.

PROSTITUTE

Why me?

DIOGENES

You're more honest than most.

PROSTITUTE

How do you know?

DIOGENES

Because you don't fake orgasms.

PROSTITUTE

How do you know?

DIOGENES

Because you've never had one... with me anyway.

PROSTITUTE

How do you know I don't fake them with other men?

DIOGENES

Well I just assumed … Really?

PROSTITUTE

All the time - whenever they want it.

DIOGENES

I wanted it - real ones anyway.  You figure I'd know the difference?

PROSTITUTE

No, but you want honesty more.  So with you I act honest.

DIOGENES

You "act honest?"

PROSTITUTE

Yeah.

DIOGENES

You mean you weren't really being honest; you were just acting honest?

PROSTITUTE

I gave you what you wanted.

DIOGENES

[stands]  Damn you!  I wanted real honesty, not acting honest.

PROSTITUTE

If you don't know the difference, what do you care?

DIOGENES

Shit!  You're just like all the rest of 'em.  Damn you!  This is exactly the exact opposite of what I came here for.  [goes to money jar]  Gimme my damn money back!

PROSTITUTE

Take your damn money back.  Asshole!  I should have known better.  You're just like all the rest of 'em.

[DIOGENES is at the door about to leave.]

PROSTITUTE

I told you no man wants honesty.

DIOGENES

[hit dead center]  Aw shit!

PROSTITUTE

Telling me about people can't handle it?  Look who can't handle it.

DIOGENES

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  How could I not see that?  God damn!  Here.

PROSTITUTE

Keep your lousy two drachmas.  I can turn that faster than you can explain some stupid philosical thing nobody cares about.

DIOGENES

Look I'm sorry, damn it.  Here, I'll make it three.  Okay?

PROSTITUTE

[takes the money]  Don't think this buys you one bit of extra time, 'cause it doesn't.  Only reason I give you a discount is 'cause you don't take long.  You want to act like a drunk senator, you pay like one.

DIOGENES

Okay, I overreacted.

PROSTITUTE

You're whole life is overreaction.

DIOGENES

[sits on bed]  Well how can you blame me?  Damn!  I mean there's bullshit all over the place.  Everywhere you look there's this all permeating bullshit.  God damn I hate this world!

PROSTITUTE

[pause]  [romantic mode]

Why don't we both just fuck your brains out and forget it?

DIOGENES

I just had a fuck.  It didn't help.

PROSTITUTE

Who?

DIOGENES

Uhh... the air head with the big tits.  Whatzername.

PROSTITUTE

Cleonice?

DIOGENES

Yeah.

PROSTITUTE

That bitch!  I hate her.  She charges five drachmas.

DIOGENES

Seven.  [does a take]  That bitch!

PROSTITUTE

[pause]   [chuckles]  So big tits couldn't do it for you, and you came to me.  I like that.

DIOGENES

And after you, then where do I go?

PROSTITUTE

Poor Di.  Nobody can satisfy him.

DIOGENES

This is not just about me, damn it.  We're all swimming in the same shit.  The air we breathe is thick with lies, not just in the market place, people take it home with them.  They make it part of themselves.  It's part of being normal.  They say, "How are you doing?"  And you're supposed to say, "Fine thank you.  How are you?"  And if you don't, you're rude.  And if you actually answer the question and tell them you're totally disgusted with all existence, then you're weird.

PROSTITUTE

That's just good manners.  I really don't see what you're getting so upset about.

DIOGENES

It's because I don't like living in a world where lies are good fucking manners.

PROSTITUTE

Hey, get used to it.  You're not going to change it.  And if you'd learn some manners, you'd do a lot better. - instead of talking that trash-mouth.  People expect philosophers to talk like philosophers.

DIOGENES

Philosophers don't give a shit what people expect.

PROSTITUTE

You don't hear Plato and his crowd talking like that.

DIOGENES

Plato and his crowd are sell-outs.

PROSTITUTE

Some people say he's the greatest philosopher that ever lived.

DIOGENES

He's a politician.

PROSTITUTE

You know what people say about you?

DIOGENES

I don't care what people say about me.

PROSTITUTE

They call you the dog.  And they call your students dogs.

DIOGENES

That's good.  Dogs are honest.

PROSTITUTE

They're also dead broke.

DIOGENES

Stop.  You're not hearing me.  I said I do not care what people think of me.  I know very well that I could get a lot more money if I did care, but I don't.  I care what I think of me.

PROSTITUTE

Okay so… what do you think of you?

DIOGENES

I think I'm the best man that ever lived.

PROSTITUTE

Get real!

DIOGENES

Except maybe Socrates, and even there it's a toss up.  I wouldn't mind being martyred for truth.  That's what philosophy is all about.  It's not about reading a bunch of shit, and writing a bunch of shit, and talking over everybody's head.  It's about figuring out what's right and doing it.  You think Plato would die for truth?  Hah!  He'd have his accusers trying to define it, and sneak out the back door.  Socrates may have passed on his mind to Plato, but he passed his guts to me.

PROSTITUTE

Bravo.  And what does it get you?

DIOGENES

More self respect than I know what to do with.  And if everybody was like me, the world would be a great place to live.

PROSTITUTE

You mean if everybody was a self-righteous bigot?

DIOGENES

Better self-righteous than unrighteous.  And I'd rather live with ethical bigotry than ethical apathy.

PROSTITUTE

You're nauseating.

DIOGENES

Don't puke yet; it gets worse.  I am ashamed to be human. I think you're all a bunch of shit heads, and I deserve better company.

PROSTITUTE

Are you happy?  [comes in close on him]  That's the biggy.  Even if you're the best man who ever lived,  [walks away]  some day you'll die like all the rest of us, and become a ghost floating thru Hades, and nobody'll give a shit.

DIOGENES

You people, on the other hand, are already ghosts floating thru Hades because you don't give a shit.

PROSTITUTE

Well, what is there to give a shit about, goddamn it!?  Certainly not sex or money - that's just for us morons.  It's noble to walk around talking about truth, and "the good," and all that.  Well tell me something, Di. What's so good about talking about "the good"?

DIOGENES

[pause]  I don't know.

PROSTITUTE

You don't know?

DIOGENES

I don't know if there is any such thing as the good.  But there might be.  And the slightest chance that there might be is enough to bet your whole life on it.

PROSTITUTE

You're not even making sense.

DIOGENES

I make more sense than anything in your whole nothing life.

PROSTITUTE

Oh please.

DIOGENES

Did you ever wonder if maybe some ghosts get better bodies than other ghosts?

PROSTITUTE

Ghosts don't have bodies.

DIOGENES

I mean ghost bodies.  Do you think we all get the same deal in Hades no matter what kind of life we lived?

PROSTITUTE

That's how I heard it.

DIOGENES

Maybe some ghosts have to take shit from other ghosts just like it is here.  Don't you even care which end of the stick you're on?

PROSTITUTE

I care about it right now, and obviously more than you do.

DIOGENES

Yeah, but this life only lasts a few decades.  Nobody knows how long you live in Hades.

PROSTITUTE

So?

DIOGENES

Don't you ever think about this stuff?

PROSTITUTE

No.

DIOGENES

Shit.  [sighs]  You got any hemlock?

PROSTITUTE

What?

DIOGENES

Nothing.

PROSTITUTE

I got something better than that.

DIOGENES

What?

PROSTITUTE

Lydian hemp.

DIOGENES

No shit?

PROSTITUTE

Yes shit.  You gotta go halves with me, though.

DIOGENES

Aw no, I don't want to do that.

PROSTITUTE

Don't be cheap.  Just one more drachma.

DIOGENES

It's not the money.  I don't like that stuff.

PROSTITUTE

You like honesty, right?  This'll take us to new levels of honesty.

DIOGENES

I know what it does.  It makes everything slosh together.  You can't even tell real from imaginary.  If you take enough of it, everything merges into one big unity, and there's nothing to do but just sit there and gawk at it.

PROSTITUTE

It's fun!

DIOGENES

Only until you figure it out.  Then it's a waste of time. I'm going the opposite direction.  I want to see things as clear as possible, cause then you can recognize patterns and see which box goes in which box, and figure out what's going on.  [pause]  You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?

PROSTITUTE

Well if nothing's fun after you figure it out, why do you keep figuring everything out?

DIOGENES

[pause]  That one I haven't figured out.

PROSTITUTE

You really need weed.

DIOGENES

Been there; done that; forget it.

PROSTITUTE

Well shit, Di, what haven't you already done?

DIOGENES

I haven't found the fucking answers is what I haven't done.

PROSTITUTE

[pause]  Is it true you climbed Mount Olympus when you were a kid?

DIOGENES

No I was in Anatolia when I was a kid.  I climbed Olympus when I came to Greece.

PROSTITUTE

Weren't you scared the gods might do something to you?

DIOGENES

Yes I was scared.  I've never been more scared of anything.

PROSTITUTE

Why'd you do it?

DIOGENES

If you have to ask, you couldn't possibly comprehend the simplicity of the answer.

PROSTITUTE

Okay, I'm too stupid for that.  What was it like?

DIOGENES

Cold.  Just rocks and snow and clouds, then I got above the clouds and there was just snow and rocks.  I could see the whole range... and there were no gods and no temples.

PROSTITUTE

Maybe they were in another part.

DIOGENES

I could see the whole damn range.  There were no gods.

PROSTITUTE

So what are you saying - you're an atheist?

DIOGENES

Of course not.  They stone atheists.  Besides, I don't even care if gods exist.  They're irrelevant.  I care if justice exists.  That's the biggy.

PROSTITUTE

Of course justice exists, sometimes.

DIOGENES

Sometimes isn't enough.  There's got to be some point where everybody gets exactly what's coming to 'em.

PROSTITUTE

How can you have that without gods to enforce it?

DIOGENES

You probably can't.  But even with a whole sky full of gods you still might not have justice.  First you need righteous gods, and I sure as shit don't see any.

PROSTITUTE

Who do you think you are to judge the gods?

DIOGENES

I'm something that can't help judging what's right and what's wrong.

PROSTITUTE

What if you're wrong?

DIOGENES

Then I invite the gods to change me and make me right.

PROSTITUTE

They could change you into a frog if you piss 'em off!

DIOGENES

Fine.  Then why can't they change me so I can think more highly of them.

PROSTITUTE

Watch what you say!

DIOGENES

Ah yes.  Be careful not to reveal your true self, because the gods may be listening.  How do you suppress yourself like that?  Tell me; be my mentor.  Teach me how to be a whore, so I can worship my creators without puking my guts out.

PROSTITUTE

Don't you be saying shit like that in my house!  The gods are righteous.

DIOGENES

If so, I've got nothing to worry about.  If there's ultimate justice, I'll do quite well.  And if there's not, then fuck life, and fuck the gods who made it!

PROSTITUTE

Get out of my house!  Right now.  Get out!

[SHE goes to the door and opens it.
HE slams it shut and grabs her.
SHE starts to scream.
HE holds her tightly from behind and quickly covers her mouth.]

DIOGENES

[Very controlled]  Do not struggle; be very still, and quiet, and calm.  You're a professional, remember?  You can handle things.  That's why I'm here.  This is the part I can never show in front of my students - the rage.  Don't worry.  I'm not going to hurt you.  I'm not violent.  I just had to get this off.  You understand?

[SHE nods affirmatively.
HE removes his hand from her mouth.]

PROSTITUTE

[calmly]  Please let go of me.

[HE lets go.  SHE walks to the window and looks out.]

PROSTITUTE

You still have some time left.  And you paid for honesty.  Here it is.  Sometimes you're fun, but not often.  Most of the time you bore me.  I don't even understand you.  When I do understand you, you depress me.  And now you're scaring me.  I don't need this.  We made a deal, and I will sit here and endure your company until your time is up, but really I wish you would just leave.

DIOGENES

[pause]  Fair enough.  That was good.  Honesty should not go unrewarded.

[reaches for his money]

Here's another drachma, no, make it two.  That was as good as any five drachma job.

[HE holds it out to her.
SHE doesn't take it.
HE tosses it onto the bed and starts to exit.]

PROSTITUTE

Hey, Di.

[HE turns.
SHE sits on the bed and picks up one or two coins.]

PROSTITUTE

Gotcha last.

DIOGENES

Yeah, well at least you didn't have to fake anything.

[HE exits.]

End