"I, too, was absolutely convinced that chanting worked for me. However, I had so many doubts about the organization and what it taught. I ended up burying those thoughts but I couldn’t leave the organization because I was so hooked on chanting. Towards the end, I felt so disingenuous whenever I heard myself spouting SGI rhetoric and I felt the uncomfortable sensation of always suppressing what I really thought. A million times before, I would vow to chant for such and such period of time and I would see what would happen. Then, one day I had the thought that I had never tried not chanting. So I vowed not to chant for one week. The result for me was very dramatic. I instantly felt more relaxed. I instantly stopped suppressing my doubts and what I really thought. I instantly let go of the need to take part in all the “urgent, important, life changing” activities. I realized that, as a leader, I felt like a sheep dog constantly running around running around rounding up the “sheep”. I saw it all for nonsense. It felt so good to say to myself that I was not going to do it anymore and that I would listen to my inner voice. I admitted to myself that I hated the concept of shakubuku. All the inner torment vanished. It was wonderful. I will never chant NMRK again. I feel like I was lied to when told my doubts were devilish functions. I feel like I finally woke up from the delusion. This is my life and I refuse to be manipulated anymore."
No comments:
Post a Comment