After many years and much “responsibility” in the Gakkai, I experienced growing discomfort, unhappiness and dread about the organisation that was swallowing my life.
I still didn’t realise what I was in however and believed the fault lay within myself - my weak faith; my inability to have the same heart as my mentor; my low life condition; my vulnerability to attacks from devilish functions; fundamental darkness striving to block the movement for kosen rufu; lack of itai doshin between leaders; my karma and the imperative to change it - this unhappiness was evidence that I had a long way to go.
Anyone who was in this thing for an appreciable length of time will know what I’m talking about. The important thing to note is that all of these options locate the source of my ennui within myself while the organisation and it’s teachings are in the clear. This is a crucially important aspect of the teachings in every cult - all options lead to “ the cult is right.”
These internal churnings intensified over a few years and I chanted more; studied more; did more activities; supported members more; said yes to more and more responsibilities; went on more training courses and sought personal guidance.
Of course nothing improved. Instead, the pressure on me, my life and my family’s life mounted. The pain and disappointment I felt about what an abysmal disciple I was intensified.
I was giving everything I had along with much that I didn’t - including the time, energy and devotion that rightfully belonged to my family and friends. I ceaselessly conducted an inventory of my character, my mind and my practice to root out my innumerable flaws and weaknesses so I might speed up the process of my “human revolution” and truly dedicate myself joyfully to “kosen rufu.”
You can I’m sure see that this thing had me firmly by the short and curlies - I was in; all-in; all-trusting; all-believing; all-giving - a great little cultie!!
I fully bought into the spin that the SG is devoted to world peace, based on the conviction that each and every human being is a precious, irreplaceable Buddha. I believed this absolutely and desperately wanted to believe that the Gakkai believed it too.
Therein lay the problem because what I saw, heard and experienced was not that. The disregard, the disrespect, the maltreatment and the indifference to the suffering of these “precious and irreplaceable human beings” is widespread in the Gakkai - everywhere. It is not isolated to a few bad eggs hither and yon.
It’s widespread because it’s built in - it’s baked in and the longer you’re in, the more “responsibility” you take on, the more of it you see and the greater the risk that you will dehumanise and dessicate yourself - trading your own unique and authentic ever-evolving self for a hollowed out, stagnant, unhappy pretence of a life.
If you are one of relatively generously salaried ones, careering around countries and continents dispensing guidance to the faithful who hang on your words, you may be able to shrug off the uncomfortable doubts and convince yourself that the loot and adulation is probably worth a bit of dissembling.
If you are a volunteer like I was along with many more like me, then you can go on desperately clinging to the notion that barking a ridiculous and meaningless phrase to an equally meaningless piece of paper while throttling your mind into oneness with a non-existent person is one day going to change everything.
For me - one day it broke - I can only describe it that way. Something within myself and within my mind broke - as if all the pressure and all the pain and all the pretence bore down that bit too heavily and crashed the hold this horrible org and it’s cruel and inhumane philosophy had on my mind.
I have no idea what prompted me but for the first time ever I began to search for and read information about the Gakkai on the web - from non-Gakkai sources.
And so began a new era for me - the crumbling of 30 years of belief as I uncovered layer upon layer of carefully constructed, curated and spun lies, half-truths and misrepresentations - as you know there’s plenty to uncover too! Nichiren’s crazed declamations; the true origin and nature of Makiguchi’s aims; the whole project and persona that was Toda; the megalomaniacal Ikeda along with his growing band of henchmen; their unthinkable goals and methods; the vile Komeito with its tawdry, grasping operations; the bigotry and intolerance that permeates all of it; the scandals; criminal activity; court cases; reprehensible behavior ...... just how low do we need to set the standard before the Gakkai Inc. can reach it? Is there any part of this repugnant cult that isn’t built on lies, deception and abuse?
In the first month of continuing to research and learn about the true nature of what I was a member of - or learn some of it anyway - I was in deep shock - much of that month is a blur to me.
That phase passed and then I moved to talk with my husband, together we carefully planned and carried out our exit and I talked with two dear friends who are also now out.
I’ve had plenty of times since when I have felt great anger but it doesn’t take over my life. I have learned so much about other high demand and high control groups and cults and it’s fascinating how much their methods resemble the Gakkai.
I’ve learned a great deal too from the published works of those who have studied and researched cults - many of whom were in cults themselves at some stage. I have also been able to have a few sessions with a terrific person who offers information and advice to people exiting cults and I found that really helpful.
Being able to talk with my husband and my two friends has been incredibly helpful. I think it must be very difficult to exit alone after decades of involvement with a high control group.
Anyway the processing continues - there is much work to be done.=
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