Hey guys, it's been a while since I wanted to share some of my disturbing experiences in SGI. I'm Brazilian and I'm still a member of BSGI, one of the most fanatic organizations in the SGI world.
I'm fukushi, it means I was born in a Buddhist family. When I was a kid, I heard that sensei was the person who trusts on me the most. I didn't heard about the Little Red Riding Hood or the Sleeping Beauty - instead of it, I heard all the stories from Buddhist mythology (Dragon King's Daughter, Dosho and Domyo, The Boy Snow Mountains, and so on).
I learned the gongyo when I was 3. By the age of 8, I entered a dance group, founded by Hiromasa Ikeda. I was very shy, so I've cried on every dance training. My mom, always angry with me, never let me got out of the group. Today she tells me that I overcame my shyness thanks to that.
So I grew up thinking that Nichiren's Buddhism was the only way to find happiness, the only truth. I couldn't accept others' opinions and I couldn't understand why everyone didn't chant.
My parents used to argue a lot, and yet my mom always used to tell everyone about the importance of family harmony. People told me to chant in order to solve this situation. Once I heard I was the responsible for those fights, because the joshibu is the sun of the family. A woman, who used to be my friend, came to me and said: "you're so selfish, just stop causing so much suffering in your parents". I was twelve.
Little did I know that, in a couple of years, my parents would find the most acceptable solution to everything: the divorce.
In some moments of lucidity, I reflected and realized that a lot of things just didn't make sense. Why donate lots of money and expect to receive the double? What's the point about collective karma and what happened, exactly, in Tatsunokuchi? Some day I disagreed with sensei words, and that made me feel frightened and guilty. So I just forced me to think that he was telling the truth.
With time, I realized that I used to feel too much guilt and fear in every moment of my life. I had anxiety crisis and emotional instability during years. I was divided between two sides: questioning the sense of chasing "sensei's heart" and feeling guilty for disagreeing with the "correct liturgy", maybe being in a "fundamental darkness", fearing the effect of so much negative causes.
The other side was this fanatism growing inside me. I blindly believed that former members would suffer until they realize Buddhism was the right path. I used to blame the victim because of his/her karma. I did visit people that didn't want to participate anymore. I cried at meetings and sobbed watching videos of sensei speeches. I did shakubuku with pride.
Because of it, they gave me the leadership of a district and also a function on a national level. Recently, I participated in a kenshukai, in which I felt my mind was fucked up. I was the perfect person for SGI. The most useful one.
However, when I met the wonderful world of science in college, documentary films and by talking to my fiance (also an ex-fanatic), I saw I was living in a bubble. For 15 years I was this leader who manipulate lots of people in the name of Kosen-Rufu. Many people count on me to assume new functions, but I don't want it anymore.
Today I wanna leave SGI. This should be the easiest decision ever, but it's not. I can't leave. Not now. My family is one of the most fanatic that I know, and we always argue when I disagree with some principle or sensei's speech. They tell me the same thing: "this is what's Buddhism teaches us", and the discussion ends.
If I leave now, I'm sure a lot of people will come to my house and tell me that I'm betraying sensei, my family and abandoning my mission.
I'm tired. When I think about it, I wanna cry. I feel that I lost my childhood and teenage years. I grew up with fear, worry, guilt and anxiety.
I'm totally sure that I would be a better person if I've never went to a religion.
Anyway, I just wanted to take this words out of my throat. Thank you. I can't wait the day that I'll be able to say "I'm out".
No comments:
Post a Comment