"I did the right thing by leaving, because I couldn't have 'tried harder' or 'chanted harder' or done 'more responsibilities' by the end - I was absolutely burnt out."
"Hello to everyone on this thread. I have been following it for some time and can relate to a lot of what is being said. I have been out of the organisation for a short time (a month) but when I was part of it I was totally immersed. I was a leader for quite a few years and always felt like nothing I could do was good enough. The more I tried (and failed) the worse I felt. I went to every course going and threw myself into every activity possible in order to try and 'change my karma'. The trouble was, the more I invested my time and energy, the more cheated I felt when things didn't work out in my life. I would then try to suppress these feelings because I knew I shouldn't be complaining or 'thinking negatively' and that it was all 'my responsiblity'. So I would go to even more meetings, do more home visits, more hours of daimoku, whatever it would take. I would set myself goals and determinations for the countless campaigns that I was told about. When I didn't achieve them I thought it must be because I wasn't sincere enough, didn't try hard enough, wasn't enough of 'sensei's disciple'.
"Hello to everyone on this thread. I have been following it for some time and can relate to a lot of what is being said. I have been out of the organisation for a short time (a month) but when I was part of it I was totally immersed. I was a leader for quite a few years and always felt like nothing I could do was good enough. The more I tried (and failed) the worse I felt. I went to every course going and threw myself into every activity possible in order to try and 'change my karma'. The trouble was, the more I invested my time and energy, the more cheated I felt when things didn't work out in my life. I would then try to suppress these feelings because I knew I shouldn't be complaining or 'thinking negatively' and that it was all 'my responsiblity'. So I would go to even more meetings, do more home visits, more hours of daimoku, whatever it would take. I would set myself goals and determinations for the countless campaigns that I was told about. When I didn't achieve them I thought it must be because I wasn't sincere enough, didn't try hard enough, wasn't enough of 'sensei's disciple'.
As I had been advised by many of my co-members and leaders, shakabuku was the way to 'change karma'. So I often would force myself to tell people about the practice (totally against my nature as I don't like to force things on people). The trouble was, my personal life wasn't going so well, and so I had to try and convince people how happy I was and how the practice had changed my life (only it hadn't).
I remember going to courses feeling totally inadequate and very much a failure because I wasn't 'inspiring' lots of people to practice like some of the people giving their experiences who had managed to get 15 people to chant or go to a discussion meeting, or something like that.
Yes, for many years I remember being told that shakabuku is not about getting members, it's about revealing someone's buddhahood. I think that's where the doublethink comes in. Deep down I felt a great pressure to 'inspire' more people to practice. However I suppressed the negative and awkward feelings about that as being wrong because I obviously wasn't understanding the 'true intention' of revealing buddhahood! Like its been said in this thread, all the negative feelings I had became translated as signs that I wasn't practising 'correctly' - more daimoku/study/courses/meetings must be needed!
And like others I've also had years of being told not to 'think' but to 'use my heart' when making decisions (whatever that means). It's a way of conditioning people that to think critically is wrong. I was like it myself in meetings if anyone (especially new) was overcritical of the practice or was asking what I thought was too many questions, I would secretly think to myself 'there is a person of learning! it's going to be difficult for them to practise unless they learn to trust, let go and stop thinking too much'. I got so proud of myself for my 'non-thinking' and great trust, and stamping out my 'cynical nature'.
However, now I am really enjoying getting back to exploring doubts, critical thought, analysing things, etc (i.e using my brain!). It's taking a bit of practice to get back into the habit and I am now very wary of people who say 'you shouldn't spend too much time in your head'. I need to spend a bit of time in my head thank you very much - it was not thinking enough that got me into the previous situation in the first place.
The thing is that I so wanted it to work - I had invested so many years in this practice that the thought that it might not actually be true was an unbearable thought. I deliberately kept away from anything negative written or said about SGI in case this had a bad effect on my life. Looking back I can see that I was very much ruled by fear.
I think I have read here that there is a lot of 'double-think' and 'double-speak' in the SGI. I feel that is so true. I would tie myself up in knots sometimes trying to reconcile what I was being told how I should feel with how I really felt inside.
There were of course 'no rules' in the SGI. However, there was great pressure as a leader to always give an inspiring experience in discussion meetings in order to show people the power of the practice. The more years I stayed as a leader the more pressure to 'deliver' a wonderful, happy life full of benefits.
Being told as a leader that when you are exhausted and really feel that you have to devote a bit of time to yourself, then that is exactly the time you should 'dig deeper' and 'open your heart to others' - i.e try and do more home visits!
When I expressed my anxiety regarding not having enough time to do my existing responsibility and running on empty - being 'encouraged' to commit myself to a very lengthy time-consuming responsibility (once a month for 2 years!) so that I could 'expand time' and 'challenge my negativities'.
Being advised many many times by various leaders to always open my heart and say 'yes' (without first considering) to whatever activity/responsibility is asked of me in the SGI.
When expressing to a leader that the requirement for me to take on more responsibilities was making me feel sick and anxious at the thought of having even less time for myself and my family, that this could be a sign that I needed to 'trust, let go and open my heart to the activity' i.e take on even more!
We were always being advised about the necessity to lead 'balanced lives' as SGI members so that we could inspire others to practice. But I could never work out how that would be possible with the huge amount of meetings/activities we were expected to attend. Another example of 'doublespeak' I guess.
It is difficult to leave an organisation which I was so much part of but now I can talk to people as a normal person (rather than constantly having to think of having to 'save' people). I don't have all the answers about life (I never did) there are ups and downs and now I can celebrate and sympathise with other people about their lifes rather than constantly having to view it through an SGI perspective.
It is difficult for me to express how I feel about all this, especially to people who don't know what I have been through and equally to people who are still practising so I am grateful to this forum for having an opportunity to process some of these thoughts and to be able to move on."
Holly, were you encouraged at the time to reevaluate your 'mentor-disciple' relationship, in regards to the turmoil you felt?
"I certainly was. And I remember on every course I went on after that time, the whole emphasis was on the mentor-disciple relationship - it was the key to changing everything. I decided to take this on board wholeheartedly (in a desperate bid to 'change my karma'). If I wasn't chanting for Sensei's happiness, I was attempting to 'understand his heart' by reading the Human and New Human Revolution. I committed myself to a monthly all-day activity for 2 years, where I was encouraged to think of myself as 'Sensei's arms and legs'. If faced with a dilemma during these activities or indeed life, I was advised to think 'what would Sensei do?'.
After several years of doing this it became second-nature and I didn't have to force myself anymore. However, during this time my personal life fell apart and it all became a huge struggle. Still I trusted that if I kept following the guidance I would be able to transform the situation. I remember being at a very low point at one stage and phoning up a very senior leader for guidance which was ........................... can you guess? .................................. 'chant to be Sensei's disciple, you can never feel alone when you've got Sensei' and 'chant to fulfil Sensei's expectations of you'
Looking back now I can chuckle but at the time I simply tried harder and thought it must have been my fault for not having a sincere enough spirit before.
All I can say is the good thing about the fact that I went for it wholeheartedly for so long means that I have no doubt now that I did the right thing by leaving, because I couldn't have 'tried harder' or 'chanted harder' or done 'more responsibilities' by the end - I was absolutely burnt out. Of course some people may think I just needed to be a bit more balanced and I was over doing it but believe me you can never just do a bit in that organisation because there will always be someone guilt tripping you or 'encouraging' you to do more in order to be 'more happy' and taking advantage of your vulnerabilities. I feel like I can say now that I've seen it, done it, bought the T'shirt, wore the T'shirt, designed the T'shirt, bought the T'shirt company and I can safely say I've had enough and am on to better things :)"
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